Tears. The one thing to me that shows a sign of weakness within myself.
I think its ok for other people to cry. I know it’s a normal emotive action. But if I, ME, if I allow myself to cry, I feel ashamed.
There are times when I believe it is ok for me to cry. When I cry happy tears, that’s ok. To have so much joy inside me that i need to cry, I totally get that and I do that. Seeing my brother get married, my little boy all grown up, starting a new life with his beloved, that was a beautiful moment, a proud moment. I cried for joy!
Funerals. To get thru a loss sometimes tears are all you have. I have cried over my loved ones that have passed, cried til there was nothing left in me. Cried over the great injustice that life is many times, such a cruel twist, taking our loved ones right before our very eyes..
But to cry in other situations….. Nope, for me, not cool.
For me to cry cos my day is going bad, for me to cry when things arent going my way, for me to cry over a man, for me to cry because I feel the world is against me, that is a sign of weakness… I know, I know, it’s a normal thing to do in some situations.. Especially cos im a girl. But my head is wired different. Its ok for other girls to cry over trivial things, but not me.
Why am I like this? What made me start thinking this way? Why do I always disassociate myself from being female? Its like sometimes im in the wrong gender, not that I think I should have been born a man, but for so long I have played the male role in many of the things I do.
Men don’t cry.
When we became a single parent family, I quickly took on the “Dad” role. I had final say, I provided for the family when I could. I was strong and protective.
I cant hit a woman, because for some reason, I don’t believe it is a fair fight. I cant hit chicks. But.. I will front up to any man. I believe that if I come at a man, like a man, then im fair game. I get what I deserve.
As an adult, I have used men for sex and discarded them without a second thought. I have used them for my own sexual needs, living with a mantra - sex is sex and love is love.. Two separate entities. You can fuck someone random and it does not take away the love you have for your partner. I think its natural to be promiscuous. A psychologist said to me that I view sex and relationships very similar to a man.
Men don’t cry.
I hate crying. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the snot factor. I hate the blotchiness it puts all all over my face. I hate the puffy eyes that can last for a day or two. Grrrrr I hate it.
But most of all, I hate the vulnerable feeling it leaves. The lost, I don’t know what to do where to go feeling. Not knowing what is going to happen. That need to have someone hold you and say it will be ok…
When I was little I cried like a normal girl. But there was always someone there to hug me and kiss it all better, telling me everything will be alright…mum’s and grandma’s are good for that. But ever since I took on the “man” role and pushed everyone before myself, there hasn’t been anyone there to console me, to listen to my emotional mishap..and now ive gotten used to that. I pushed them away I guess. I made it very clear that I was not in need of that kind of thing. I didn’t want to worry my mum, I was there to look after her, not the other way round…. So I don’t cry…
But then sometimes, it comes out of nowhere. I cant stop it. And the moment it starts I just want the earth to open up and swallow me. How could I let myself fuckin cry? Am I that pathetic? Sad?
Look at what you are crying over!!!! Nobody is dead!! The world has not ended!!! How could you let something/someone get inside you sooooo much that it resulted in tears????
It almost feels like I have betrayed myself… I don’t get it……
One of the most memorable crying moments I have, was when I was about 7yrs old.. My friend and I were so excited, a movie we liked was being played at he the local RSL club!! I cant even remember what the movie was now LMAO, anyways, we got our seat, had snacks.. And then… they told us, our movie was cancelled and instead they were going to play “The man from snowy River”.. well my friend and I, we howled the whole way thru the movie hahaha. Cried and cried, tears streaming down our red puffy faces, snot galore, eating our chips and lollies.. Even had the whole chest pumping thing going, hyperventilating lmao omg it was hilarious!
Well ok,it wasn’t at the time, but now looking back, tooooo funny